Finance

Paddington Heads to Portobello; Analysts Warn of Bear Market

LONDON - The worst fears of of isolationist Britons materialized today as an immigrant’s Notting Hill shopping expedition threatened to unleash a bear market. Paddington, known Windsor Gardens resident and...

Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts

NEW YORK CITY - Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts

How Deutsche Bank is Slimming Down for Bikini Season

FRANKFURT, GERMANY - Summer is finally here! But not every multi-national financial institution is fit and ready for the beach, and one, Deutsche Bank, has decided that it’s time to...

Callahan Auto Defeats Zalinsky Takeover Attempt

SANDUSKY, OH - A shocking week for Callahan Auto Parts came to a fortunate close today as new Chief Executive Thomas Callahan III successfully defended the firm from Chicago rival,...

Defying Patagonia, Columbia Sportswear Vest Specifically for High Performance Finance

BEAVERTON, WA - Although rivals have eschewed finance professionals, the Columbia Sportswear Company is leaning into the demographic by releasing a new line of fleece vests that have been specifically...

Embattled Boeing Taps Ghost of Howard Hughes to Design, Pilot 737 Replacement

CHICAGO, IL - “There’s only one man we considered for the job;” announced Boeing Chief Executive Dennis Muilenburg, “Howard Hughes may have died over 40 years ago, but he’s still...

Papal Indulgence Market Bullish After Pope Denounces Sexual Abusers

VATICAN CITY - Reacting to Pope Francis’ condemnation of sexual abuse at a Vatican summit last week, indulgence trading desks at the Holy See expect strong demand as many more...

IBM Rebrands Red Hat, Will Focus on Legacy Windows 98 Support

ARMONK, NY - Accelerating cloud computing was the goal when IBM acquired Red Hat(RHT) last October, and now the technology giant has announced that the former open-source darling will be...

Trask Acquires Metro Radio for $19.5 Million

NEW YORK, NY - Trask Industries agreed to acquire the regional radio network Metro Radio Systems in a $19.5 billion bet on jump-starting its efforts to enter broadcast media as...

Hedge Fund Manager Specializes in Emotionally Distressed Value Dating

NEW YORK, NY - Realizing that the New York City dating scene was no longer providing satisfactory returns, local finance professional Jason Harner has turned to alternative markets to find...

Is the Global Pineapple Market the Next Big Bubble?

OMAHA, NE - How much do we really know about pineapples? I know that they’re all around us, they’re supposed to be “tropical” but no one can tell me when...

Duke & Duke Collapses Under Commodities Futures

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers, one of the largest brokerage firms in Philadelphia, has collapsed after the first day of trading this year after the United States...

Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations

SAN FRANCISCO - Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public...

BREAKING: Caped Crusader Spotted on Wall Street

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A mysterious figure was spotted in Downtown Manhattan late Friday night. Reports of the same individual or individuals have been rippling throughout the Financial District...

Warren Recommends: Dirty Lemon

Hello there, Investing Buddies, Do you own everything from Goop that comes in rose gold? Do you say that “broad city” is you spirit animal but live in a Chelsea...

Vanguard Adviser Also Passively Managing Own Life

MALVERN, PA - Mid-level fund adviser Donald Burton at The Vanguard Group has extended his investment strategy of passive management into his personal life. Instead of seeking out social activities,...