Hedge Fund Manager Specializes in Emotionally Distressed Value Dating
NEW YORK, NY - Realizing that the New York City dating scene was no longer providing satisfactory returns, local finance professional Jason Harner has turned to alternative markets to find emotionally distressed romantic partners. Mr. Harner, 36, a portfolio manager at Oaktree Capital Management (OAK), hopes that he can meet women in the city so distraught that most men would not risk a relationship. If his prospects’ romantic value can be improved by jettisoning toxic assets, such as a recent ex-husband or a crippling relationship with their mother, then these women can be dated at a fraction of their value.
“When I started in the industry, traditional emotional debt markets were all the rage,” explains Mr. Harner, “but soon enough the Lana Del Rey concerts and Ben & Jerry scenes were drying up.” Dating market makers soon found value in the self-help section The Strand bookstore, but Harner and others continued to make even riskier investments in the emerging markets of eating disorder and substance abuse support groups. “I know that I really trying to claw returns out of what I’m working with here, but at least the immediate sexual dividends cover the losses from absolute emotional bankruptcy.”
As of press time, Mr. Harner was last seen pretending to hold cats lovingly at the Lower East Side Cat Sanctuary weekend adopt-a-thon.