General

HR Adopts Haptic Feedback System

PHOENIX, AZ - The local human resources department of global accounting firm, KPMG, as implemented a haptic system to relay immediate feedback to employees. This novel form of communication uses...

Amazon Drones Protest Humane Conditions

SEATTLE, WA - Among the various strikes around the globe that have challenged the retail giant Amazon (AMZN), the latest comes from an dangerously overlooked segment of labor, robots. Autonomous...

Lloyd Blankfein and Sen. Sanders Settle Grievances New York-Style

NEW YORK CITY - Lloyd Blankfein and Sen. Sanders Settle Grievances New York-Style

Target Announces New Streaming Service from Security Camera Feeds

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - The summer blockbuster has evolved into the the summer binge-watch, and retail giant Target (TGT) is pivoting from purveyor of cheap plastic towel racks to one of...

Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts

NEW YORK CITY - Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts

New Rent Reform from Albany Allows Tenants to Crash at Landlord's Pad Just Whenever

ALBANY, NY - Sweeping changes from the New York State legislature have begun to restore rent regulations eroded by the real estate industry over decades, and have importantly enshrines the...

WeWork Launches Chain of Bespoke Brothels

NEW YORK CITY - Some of Midtown’s history will be returning later this year as WeWork, the unicorn co-working startup, has chosen 5 Times Square as the flagship location of...

Client Presentation Includes Entirety of Kubrick's 1975 Epic 'Barry Lyndon'

FORT WAYNE, IN - Sources have confirmed that last Thursday’s presentation to client executives, ostensibly about “Supply Chain Optimization,” did include a complete viewing of Stanley Kubrick’s period masterpiece, Barry...

Beyond Meat CEO Driven to Push Beyond All Other Corporeal Limitations As Well

EL SEGUNDO, CA - “Releasing ourselves from the burden of consuming flesh is only the beginning,” announced Ethan Brown to a rapt audience at the headquarters of Beyond Meat, the...

ExxonMobile Celebrates Pride Month by Dumping Rainbow Oil Sheen Across Arctic

ANCHORAGE, AK - In a show of solidarity with the LGBT community during Pride Month many companies have unveiled new logos that incorporates the rainbow flag, but only ExxonMobile has...

BREAKING: Target Will Close in Five Minutes

WILKES-BARRE, PA - Good evening, Super Target guests, our registers will close in five minutes. Please make your final selections and take your items to the registers located at the...

Ford Memorial Day Sale Now Explicitly in Honor of Both Sides

DETROIT, MI - In a Shocking move to some, but a progressive stance for a new era to others, the Ford Motor Company (F) announced that their annual Memorial Day...

Arby's Introduces Roast Beef & Cheddar with Extra Blockchain

ATLANTA, GA - Maybe the perfect topping on a “mountain of meat” really is a secure, decentralized currency; at least that’s what Arby’s (ARBY) is counting on with the launch...

Top Business School Bans Free Coffee, Cites 'Communist Scourge'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The world of elite education is no stranger to controversy or ideology, but one institution may have gone too far; Columbia Business School has halted...

Callahan Auto Defeats Zalinsky Takeover Attempt

SANDUSKY, OH - A shocking week for Callahan Auto Parts came to a fortunate close today as new Chief Executive Thomas Callahan III successfully defended the firm from Chicago rival,...

TurboTax, Wesley Snipes Lobby Congress for Tax Reform

SAN DIEGO, CA - Politics often make strange bedfellow, even strange spokespeople, and tax law reform is no exception; Intuit (INTU), parent of TurboTax has teamed with actor Wesley Snipes...

Panhandler Extends Omni Channel Presence

AUSTIN, TX - As the digital revolution continues to spread, tech-savvy individuals in every industry have found success – and panhandling is no exception. Bivouacked on Red River Street between...

Management Tells Abraham to Bring Intern to Sacrifice

PITTSBURGH, PA - Early this week senior executives at Kraft Heinz (KHC) directed Director of Supply Chain Operations Robert Abraham to take his only MBA intern and sacrifice him as...

Hipster Bar Acquires OBGYN, Irish-Jewish Bagel Shop, and Lilypad Gardening Tool Rental

PORTLAND, OR - Pabst Beers, Pap Smears, Pat’s Schmears, and Pad Sheers to open in July of 2019.

Fox Revives 'Firefly' After Finding Trove of Unread Letters; 'We Didn't Know People Wanted This'

LOS ANGELES, CA - Stunned Fox executives hurriedly green-lit production of new episodes of beloved former television franchise Firefly on Wednesday after they realized that there had been nearly two...

Embattled Boeing Taps Ghost of Howard Hughes to Design, Pilot 737 Replacement

CHICAGO, IL - “There’s only one man we considered for the job;” announced Boeing Chief Executive Dennis Muilenburg, “Howard Hughes may have died over 40 years ago, but he’s still...

PepsiCo Sues Coca-Cola Over 'Misleading' Alpaca Blood Ad

ATLANTA, GA - The farmers in a recent commercial for Coca-Cola just wanted to protect their furry camelid friends, but PepsiCo is not amused. The ad, which first aired during...

Hudson Yards Opens Hunting Grounds for The Most Dangerous Game

NEW YORK, NY - Flocking to the newly-opened Hudson Yards, shoppers, tourists, and residents of the luxury apartment buildings will find another attraction this week, an open-air game preserve dedicated...

Unlike Undergraduate Scandal, 'MBA Admissions a Complete Meritocracy,' Says Student Whose Family Donated $10 Million

NEW YORK, NY - As the world of higher education reels from the indictments of actresses and millionaires in bribing undergraduate admissions departments, those in top business school can rest...

Philadelphia Returns to Wampum Currency to Combat 'Cashless' Retail

PHILADELPHIA, PA - This old school, physical currency might be the next wave of a more egalitarian economy in the City of Brotherly Love. Amid the trend of ‘cashless’ coffee...

Inessential Oils Startup Fails to Gain Traction in Local Facebook Group

GREENSBORO, NC - Despite a fervent marketing push across social media, recent inessential oils startup Scentique is struggling to break into the lucrative ecosystem of the Greensboro Buy/Sell + Small...

U.K. to be Set Adrift as No-Deal Brexit Looms

CALAIS, FRANCE - Citing a lack of progress in last-minute negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union, longshoremen have lined French beaches to cast off the British Isles...

Re-animated Corpse of Robespierre Dem Frontrunner in 2020

MANCHESTER, NH - The wide race for the 2020 Democratic presidential bid expanded today, as the re-animated corpse of French revolutionary Maximilien Robespierre announced his candidacy in New Hampshire. Recent...

Two-page Resume Only Internships, Interests

NEW YORK, NY - While sifting through a stack of applications this morning, hiring manager Danielle Carin was noticeably confused by a resume spanning two whole pages while containing only...

Trask Acquires Metro Radio for $19.5 Million

NEW YORK, NY - Trask Industries agreed to acquire the regional radio network Metro Radio Systems in a $19.5 billion bet on jump-starting its efforts to enter broadcast media as...

Bezos Selfies had been Uploaded on Amazon Prime for Weeks Completely Unnoticed

SEATTLE, WA - As the saga of Amazon (AMZN) founder Jeff Bezos’ divorce, and threats of extortion by the National Enquirer over his lewd selfies unfolds, perhaps the most startling...

Lawsuit: McKinsey Peer Pressured into Fueling Opioid Crisis

BOSTON, MA - As the lawsuit against Purdue Pharma unfolds, the management consultancy McKinsey & Company is yet again drawn into the spotlight over their role in advising the maker...

HBO Theranos Doc to Focus on Holmes as Blood-stealing Vampire

PARK CITY, UT - At the Sundance Film Festival last weekend, Academy Award winner Alex Gibney debuted his latest collaboration with the HBO network, The Inventor: Out for Blood in...

Dutch East India Co. Still Betting Nutmeg Prices Will Bounce Back

BANDA ISLANDS, INDONESIA - Despite nearly four centuries of falling nutmeg prices, the Dutch East India Company (VOC) remains dedicated to the crop and is hopeful about the future. Following...

Denim Startup UnZippd Revolutionizes Wearing Pants

NEW YORK, NY - As a dude with a sometimes uncomfortably large bulge, finding jeans that fit me is a hassle; and if I want stylish denim that won’t break...

Bodega Cat Promoted to CFO

127th & FREDERICK DOUGLAS BLVD - Gourmet & Deli Bodega has tapped Rocky, a gray tabby, as their Chief Financial Officer on Tuesday. Rocky, who joined the firm in 2012,...

McKinsey Had History of Assisting Middle East Regimes

JERUSALEM - Reports bribing to Ukrainian oligarchs, helping China build internment camps, siphoning public funds in South Africa; 2018 was a hard year for McKinsey & Company in the press....

After Contentious Bidding War, Al's Liquor 'n' Loan Announces HQ2 Across the Street

LONG ISLAND CITY, QUEENS - After nine months of searching , Al’s Liquor n’ Loan as officially announced that they have chosen the northwest corner of 46 Ave and Vernon...

Vanguard Adviser Also Passively Managing Own Life

MALVERN, PA - Mid-level fund adviser Donald Burton at The Vanguard Group has extended his investment strategy of passive management into his personal life. Instead of seeking out social activities,...

Chipotle Unveils All-Sourcream Burrito

DENVER, CO - Citing recent reports of food safety concerns in many locations nationwide, the fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle (CMG) unveiled a new featured item on their menu, the All-Sourcream...