Labor

Starbucks Reserve Called Up for 3rd Wave Coffee Offensive

SEATTLE - The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch...

President Trump Recognizes 'Brave Pullman Railroad Executives' Who Made Labor Day Possible

CHICAGO - At a stump speech commemorating Labor Day on the South Side of Chicago, President Trump took note of the “brave men (and they were certainly men, no women...

'Do What You Love and You'll Never Work a Day in Your Life' Proclaims Used Urinal Cake Taste Tester

PATTERSON, NJ - “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life,” proclaims used urinal cake taste tester.

HR Adopts Haptic Feedback System

PHOENIX, AZ - The local human resources department of global accounting firm KPMG has implemented a haptic system to relay immediate feedback to employees. This novel form of communication uses...

Socialist Icon Gritty Testifies for Welfare Reform

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Champion of the people on and off the ice, Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot Gritty arrived at the nation’s capitol this week to appear before the House Ways and...

New Rent Reform from Albany Allows Tenants to Crash at Landlord's Pad Just Whenever

ALBANY, NY - Sweeping changes from the New York State legislature have begun to restore rent regulations eroded by the real estate industry over decades, and have importantly enshrines the...

Puppy Mill Under Investigation by Puppy Labor Bureau

KNOXVILLE, TN - Reports of abuse at puppy mills are not new, but this week a flour mill owned by the Sara Lee is being heavily scrutinized by the Puppy...

ExxonMobile Celebrates Pride Month by Dumping Rainbow Oil Sheen Across Arctic

ANCHORAGE, AK - In a show of solidarity with the LGBT community during Pride Month many companies have unveiled new logos that incorporates the rainbow flag, but only ExxonMobile has...

People Cheese Startup Acquires Maternity Wards Throughout State

LANCASTER, PA - A darling of the food technology space, DareY (pronounced “dairy”), rapidly accelerated their growth this week through the purchase of multiple maternity wards in Eastern Pennsylvania. Although...

Top Business School Bans Free Coffee, Cites 'Communist Scourge'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The world of elite education is no stranger to controversy or ideology, but one institution may have gone too far; Columbia Business School has halted...

Panhandler Extends Omni Channel Presence

AUSTIN, TX - As the digital revolution continues to spread, tech-savvy individuals in every industry have found success – and panhandling is no exception. Bivouacked on Red River Street between...

Management Tells Abraham to Bring Intern to Sacrifice

PITTSBURGH, PA - Early this week senior executives at Kraft Heinz (KHC) directed Director of Supply Chain Operations Robert Abraham to take his only MBA intern and sacrifice him as...

Satanic Orgy Also Networking Event

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, LOWER MANHATTAN - The Society of Baphomet, an ancient cult devoted to orgiastic rites, held their first networking get-together of the spring this week in a cavernous, underground...

Isn't Corporate America Diverse Enough?

NEW YORK, NY - There seems to have been a quite the kerfuffle lately about certain firms and their recent promotion practices. Now I’ve been in the corporate world for...

TSA Employees Resort to Loose Change from X-Ray Conveyor Amid Gov Shutdown

MIAMI, FL - As the longest U.S. government shutdown in history slogs into its fourth week with no end in sight, Transportation Security Administration officials have resorted to making up...

Your Entire Team Could Keep Their Jobs with Money Consultants Got to Fire You

YOUR OFFICE - Citing revenue numbers that failed to reach projections, consultants from Bain & Company have recommended that your team be mostly eliminated although their retained fees are far...

Apple Discovers that Underpaid Chinese Laborers Can't Afford $1,000 iPhones

SHENZHEN, CHINA - As Apple (AAPL) posts disappointing revenue projections for the coming year, mainly due to slower sales in China, analysts at the company have been scrambling to pinpoint...

Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations

SAN FRANCISCO - Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public...

Reservist Coworker 'Deploys', Gets Paid to Drink, Party in San Diego

ATLANTA, GA - Associate claims adjuster Gary Gaviola from the Metlife (MET) regional office in Atlanta has reportedly “deployed” again with his U.S. Navy Reserve unit, which is conducting training...

Amazon Raises Wages to $15; Only Redeemable through Prime Now

SEATTLE, WA - This week Amazon’s (AMZN) new minimum wage of $15 an hour went into effect for over 200,000 of its U.S. employees, but reactions have been mixed. Some...